So much for me keeping my blog up to date!! I know, I’m rubbish. So, what’s been happening? Well, quite a lot actually. Some of it really upsetting for me and hard to write about, but I feel it will be good for me to get it all out of my head and get rid of some of the negative feelings I have about the whole situation.

From about November last year I had a sense that there were big changes afoot. I didn’t have a clue what they would be, I just knew it would mean big changes to my life. The only thing I could think of was it was going to be the end of my marriage and I am soooooooo pleased to say that it wasn’t because that is the last thing I want.

So what was it? Well, a bit of background first. For about two years I had been part of a small group of friends. We met up a couple of times a week as a group and saw each other a lot. It wasn’t a closed group, new people came in which wasn’t a problem, and there were about 8 of us. We’d get together at birthdays and buy presents and one of the group, S (I’m not going to use names, and if any of them read this they’ll know who they are and what they did to me) would make a cake. The cake she made for me last year really touched me. I wasn’t expecting it and although it didn’t turn out perfect I didn’t care, I was just so pleased that someone had gone to that trouble for me.

By Christmas I had started to realise just how much my social circle had shrunk since getting into this group. I didn’t see any of my other friends, apart from one, L, and I didn’t do anything else other than the things with this group. I made it my New Years Resolution to start seeing my old friends again and I’m so glad I did.

After Christmas S brought a new person into the group. As her initial is S as well, and I can’t bear to refer to her by name anyway I will call her what I call her whenever I see her, The Bitch (maybe that will give you a hint as to what I feel about her!!!) The rest of the group thought she was wonderful, I just thought she was fake with her “hello my love, how are you?” every time she sees you and having to touch you which I hated and would move away from her to avoid it, but like people who have no clue about other peoples feelings she would follow you until she had touched your arm or your back, grrrrr.

As time wore on I got more and more irritated by her, by the fake jolliness, over friendliness, the nastiness (which no one else seemed to be able to see despite her really laying into S over a cake she made for one of the other girls and she wouldn’t let it go, she went on and on and on about it, as an example) and always having to boast about how big and expensive her house was and how expensive her dog was - how I wish I was joking about that one, but I’m not. I mean, what kind of person boasts about how expensive their dog was? Who cares?? And she is so patronising as well and has such a bloody annoying fake friendly voice.

Soon I was finding myself leaving the meet-ups on a downer, dreading going to them, not wanting to have to pretend to like her. I go and see my friends to have a good time, not to come away feeling annoyed. Then we were all due to meet at her house one day and I couldn’t go. I just couldn’t bring myself to be two faced enough to accept her hospitality when inside I hated her. I cant be like that, I don’t like people who are like that. I also found myself unable to bring myself to speak to her in the playground at school at drop off/pick up time. If I don’t like someone I don’t want to speak to them. And I found myself avoiding catching her eye in the shop if we were in there at the same time.

I did try to like her, I really did.  I made an effort and told myself not to be daft, tried to ignore my instincts but I just couldn't.  I even gave her a sofa, so it's not like I didnt try.

So then it all kicked off. Big time. One of the group, M, I was particularly close to. It sounds very school-girlish, but I considered her to be my best friend. If I had a problem I’d have gone to her, I’d tell her my secrets, we met up a fair bit and went to a spiritual development group together (more on that later though). Sadly, she really liked The Bitch, they obviously had a lot in common both living in listed buildings, and they really hit it off which I found really really hard. As M only lives up the road from me I’d see The Bitch’s car outside her house a lot. And I was upset by this. They spend a hell of a lot of time together, M even stayed over at her house one night - WTF??? She lives 10 minutes up the road, but they can’t bear to be parted for one night.

Anyway, the day before the group was meant to be meeting at The Bitch’s house (I’m going to abbreviate that to TB if you don’t mind, ha ha quite appropriate cos you wouldn’t want TB - tuberculosis - in your life either, now that has made me smile!!!) M asked me if I was going and I said that I wasn’t and told her why. Now M was quite shocked, she didn’t have a clue that was how I felt. Then a few days later I had totally avoided TB in the shop and she asked M if there was a problem so M told her I couldn’t stand her. Apparently she was upset. Really? Well good. I am bloody delighted to hear that.

I can’t remember much about what happened next but soon everyone in the group knew, they were all shocked, and couldn’t understand how I could possibly not like her. I tried to arrange to meet up with S several times to talk to her about it but she wouldn’t arrange it with me.

M and I tried to keep our friendship going but I couldn’t bear the thought of her being friend with TB as well. We had said we’d meet up over the half term but M was very vague, thought she was going to be busy and she’d text me later in the week, then I overheard her and TB arranging to get together for a few days over the holiday which just broke the camels back for me. Our friendship was over.

That’s what devastated me. I obviously thought a hell of a lot more of M and our friendship than she did of me. More fool me I guess. Had it been the other way round then I would not have continued to be friends with someone she had disliked so much, I would have valued her friendship over someone I had only known a couple of months. I guess it was better to find out now that further down the line though. Just goes to show how much of a true friend she was. I feel betrayed by her that she could just dump me like that.

So that was it. TB had caused me to lose my friends and my social life. As I say, I was devastated and went back into a very deep depression, some days seriously considering ending it all. Other days I wanted to move away, to get away from it all, the constant reminder at the school gate every time I saw the group of ex-friends as they now were. I was having anxiety attacks all the time. It was horrible. And then I thought, no, I’m not going to let TB ruin my children’s lives as well by making them be uprooted, even if it was just to another school.

Then, as if things couldn’t get any worse I got an email from my cousin who I’d only recently got back in touch with after 17 years - his dad had died. My Uncle John, who I had been searching for for over 10 years was gone before I had the chance to see him again. I was devastated again. I went to his funeral which was such a sad day but lovely in that I got to see that side of my family again.

And then, all of a sudden things started to turn round. I started up a knitting group and have made a lovely friend there who I hope will be a friend for a long time. I took over a local Mother and Toddler group, started going to the local NCT group again and set up a Bumps and Babes group for them and am considering doing the training to become an ante-natal teacher for them. My circle of friends is ever expanding, my life has suddenly gone from being bloody boring, same old same old to being fun, interesting, busy. I only see the people I want to see. I have found out who my real friends are - an eye opener. I won’t let anyone drag me down, if I don’t like someone I don’t want them in my life.

I’m happier than I have been for a loooong time, I’m away from the bitching and the backstabbing of that little group - I’m sure I’ve given them plenty of material to dig their nasty little claws into. I don’t speak to them at school and it doesn’t bother me. I don’t get that horrible anxious feeling when I see them anymore, in fact I don’t even see them anymore if you see what I mean? They don’t register on my consciousness.

The only annoyance now is the spiritual group. I was the first one to start going and I took M along yet I’m the one who has stopped going because I didn’t like the atmosphere and others were picking up on it. I’m pissed off about it, she should be the one to stop going, its my group, not hers. But interestingly, most of the members I have spoken to about her can see what she’s like, that she’s the one who should have given up going, that I’m the one who’s been wronged here.

But I believe in Karma and I know they will all get their comeuppance. Especially M and her other half who are acting fraudulently in certain ways. I don’t know how long it will be, but one day they will get found out and punished accordingly.  It might not happen in the near future and it may not be an obvious punishment by the Universe but it will happen, everything you do comes back to you threefold.

Who do I blame for all of this? S, that’s who. For bringing TB into the group. And M for not being the true friend I thought she was. But then at the same time I guess I have to thank them too because it was the best thing that could have happened. My life would have been boring and miserable still, still seeing the same few people all the time and still doing the same things, not having the chance to get out and do anything else. But I still hate TB, really really really hate her. The troublemaking cow invited Sophie to her kids party. Did she really expect Sophie to attend?

So there it is. Out of my head and onto the screen.

What else has been happening? Well, I’m really busy with the groups, but have been to see the Sex and the City film with L and another friend which I loved. I will definitely be buying it on DVD when it comes out to watch over and over. Got into doing my family tree which has been really interesting, and so much easier with the internet to help with searching for information.

This has been really really long so will save the rest of my news for next time and will try and post it within the next few days.